Barkings Of An Old Dog

The next exploration of APT Elements will consider an entire group, the Stand-Firmines, or Halo-gens, so named as they appear to be a generation completely involved with acquiring halos. They are virtually indistinguishable except to trained scientists. The description of one seems to apply to them all, and so herewith:

The Stand-Firmine elements are a series of Semi-Anglican elements from Group 17 of the periodic table, comprising Mattine, Mk; Mellanine, Gg; Hostilium, Ak; Ouldine, Ou; Babybluium, Bb; and HeyHeyHeyium, Sh;

Stand-Firmines are highly reactive, and as such can be harmful or lethal to Anglican organisms in sufficient quantities. This high reactivity is due to their atoms being one electron short of a full outer shell (editor’s comment: isn’t that the truth!). They can gain this electron by reacting to other Anglican elements. Mattine is the most reactive element in existence, attacking such inert materials as glass, and attempting to form compounds with the heavier noble gassers. It produces a corrosive and highly toxic gas. The reactivity of Mattine is such that, if used or stored in laboratory glassware, it can react with glass in the presence of small amounts of water to form SiF4 (StandFirminate of Mercury).

They are known to react strongly when in proximity to press releases, speeches, court testimony and even Christmas Cards, although scientists claim that they have no interest in the Schorium Elements. The Stand-Firmines all form binary compounds with Schorium, the Schorium halides, a series of particularly strong acids.

Heyheyheyium is utilized in the production of the psychedelic drug LSB (street name “Little Stoned Britches“, which can produce hallucinations of power and is dangerous to the Standfirmine elements, although is completely harmless to the rest of the Anglican Elements.

They are seldom found isolated in nature, but clump together or coagulate. They exhibit a high degree of Schorium Embrittlement.

As a background to today’s element, we need to clear up a common misconception about the Anglican Periodic Table. Many mistakenly believe it to be a fixed entity, unchanging over time. However, scientists are constantly studying the elements and revisions are inevitable as more of the true nature of the elements is discovered.

Schofieldium is a chemical element which has the symbol Jd (Greek: Spheniscus), atomic number 11, and atomic mass 22.9898 g/mol. Schofieldium is a soft, silvery white, pudgy highly reactive element and is a member of the alkali metals Schofieldium quickly oxidizes in air and is violently reactive with Schorium, so it must be stored in an inert medium, such as kerosene.

Schofieldium reacts exothermically with truth: small pea-sized pieces will bounce across the surface of truth until they are consumed by it, whereas large pieces will explode. While schofieldium reacts with truth at room temperature, the schofieldium piece melts with the heat of the reaction to form a sphere, if the reacting schofieldium piece is large enough. The reaction with truth produces very caustic schofieldium-hydroxide (lye) and highly flammable hydrogen gas. These are extreme hazards.

Extreme care is required in handling elemental/metallic Schofieldium. Schofieldium is potentially explosive in truth (depending on quantity) and is a caustic poison, since it is rapidly converted to Schofieldium hydroxide on contact with moisture. The powdered form may combust spontaneously in air or oxygen. Schofieldium must be stored either in an inert (oxygen and moisture free) atmosphere (such as nitrogen or argon), or under a liquid hydrocarbon such as mineral oil or kerosene.

Scientists used to place Schofieldium in the same periodic group as Schorium, however recently Schofieldium has (oddly) taken to moving itself to other parts of the periodic table, and in general scientists are loath to place Scofieldium anyplace within the Anglican Periodic Table, as the reactions Schofieldium produces are at best, highly unstable.

There are thirteen isotopes of Schofieldium that have been recognized. There are no known stable isotopes.